Saturday, January 26, 2008

One week home

We've been home a week now. In one way, time has flown fast and in another it drags. I can't sleep. I've actually been pretty good at work--easily making it to midnight and then driving home. It's once I get home and get into bed--that's when the problem develops. Last night, I thought maybe--maybe--I could get sleep and poor Ted gets sick. Temp of 102, chilling and shaking, and then the fever broke. Sheets are in the washer right now. Of course, now he feels great. Julia and Rauan aren't sleeping the greatest either. Maybe its that we are just sick of winter and snow.
I am very lucky. I'm am privileged to work with wonderful people--both on the floor and in the craniofacial clinic. I asked the speech therapist I work with about getting cleft bottles to take back to Tokmok and she is checking to see if grant money she received can be used to purchase bottles. A few of my co-workers on the floor are asking about sending things with Ted on the second trip and I'm asking for infant vitamins, something that seemed to be the greatest need.
I do have to address something though. People have asked, why is Ted going back and not you? There are numerous reasons. Number one is Ted is an excellent parent--better then me I think. Adoption is a wonderful thing--it's not just dependent on the female. I returned to get Rauan and this time it's Ted's turn. Number two is FMLA. While the university and the union have developed an excellent FMLA policy (of course it is the law--but they are very nice about it), it's limited year to year. In the last 12 months, my father's cancer returned and he had many complications from it--and numerous hospitalizations at my hospital (again, impressed with my co-workers). I used a fair amount of FMLA time up until his death in July. Once Alihan is home, it's more important that a parent, particularly one with my background, is able to take him to the numerous appointments he is going to need. Also, quite honestly, the bonding doesn't happen until after the child is home. This stuff about bonding while in the country is ridiculous. The time is limited, it isn't the home environment and I do think behavior changes once we return home--both parent and child! With Rauan--and I have always been honest about this---I didn't fall in love with him, despite being there for over 4 weeks. He was whiny, needy, pooping constantly, had (and still does) an awful temper. I'm not sure if it was because he was older, a boy (I grew up with sisters) or what. I personally feel I had some post adoption depression. It took a while. One day, I looked over at this wonderful little boy snuggling with me and realized I can't imagine my life without him. I had to be in my own environment, with some control, in order to bond with this child. I do have to say, with Alihan I think the bonding will be easier, particularly since I'm older and wiser:) and he is an active child that will fit in with the lifestyle we have developed.
Now before anyone says anything--I LOVE Rauan. He is my child and I dare anyone to say anything against that. You'll get the backlash of the Graham temperament--Irish, Scot, and German. I'm just saying it CAN take a while and it isn't this instantaneous Hallmark moment from the time you meet. This is reality.

1 comment:

Mala said...

Excellent point! I did not hear harps and angels singing the first time I met Beck. Some people think something is wrong if that doesn't happen. But you're right, it's REALITY. Bonding takes it's own course and it's own time, whether biological or not.